things learned

Welcome to May.  The month after April.  April, the month we'd hoped to travel to get our lovely daughter.

Welcome, May.

It's not so bad, actually.  May is also the month of our biggest fundraiser, the Orphan Run.  Not traveling right now gives us more time to organize finances and fund raise and pray and prepare.  It gives us more time for us; and like everyone has so kindly reminded me, this time with just the two of us is precious and should be cherished.

Oh, May...

When April was drawing to a close I started thinking about how peaceful I felt that we had not been called to travel.  Did that make me a bad mother, that I was okay with not seeing our daughter now?  I don't think it does.  I think it makes me aware of God's presence in this whole process.  About four years ago (may be little longer, hard to tell at this point), Kevin and I began walking down the very dark and lonesome road of infertility.  We didn't know it at the time, though.  Denial.  Anyway, when we realized what this monster was that we were facing, the weight of the world fell on me.  There was nothing, not one thing, I could do to make it go away.

It: the fear of not being in control, the sadness of thinking you'll never look into the face of a child and see yourself, the anger at everyone around you for not understanding (though you don't really expect them to), the loneliness of going through a death (yes, a death) seemingly by yourself, the frustration that every monthly test result confirms, the wasted wishful thinking.  It.  I couldn't make it go away.

And that was my problem.  I, me, myself.  I couldn't make it go away.  But God could, and He did.  Praise the Lord!

Let me stop here before I have some sweet friends interpret this the wrong way.  God does not work on out time table, nor does He work within our expectations.  The Bible is very clear about that.  Just because we want something that is good and godly does not mean it will be provided in the manner we ask.  Or at all, for that matter.

Proverbs 19:21

Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the LORD that will stand.

During those terrible years--yes, years--I prayed that God would answer me:  Why would He give me this desire for kids and not let me conceive?  That was a daily, almost hourly prayer.  I desperately wanted to know how I was out of His will.  Was I asking for something immoral and unbiblical?  Nope.  So, why no pregnancy?  If no pregnancy, at least an answer would be nice.  What was the purpose of us having to go through this valley?  We were willing to hear from God and let Him teach us whatever we were supposed to be learning.  The more I prayed, the more frustrated I became.  No answer.  Nothing.

So how can I say that was a fruitful time?  How can I look back and acknowledge that God was indeed with us at every step, every tear, every sleepless night, every failed pregnancy test, every empty doctor's visit?  I can only do so because that's what the Word teaches.  Our plans were made, but His purpose reigned.  

So what have I learned through all these years of craziness, now that we are wrapping up this season of out life expecting OUR DAUGHTER to come home?  :)  

I've learned to trust Him.  He's God.  He knows what He's doing.  

I know that sounds trivial, and I know I'm not living that truth out daily, but that's what I believe God has been teaching me.  He took the most precious thing to me at this time of my life and forced me to a place that required me to trust Him.  Not trust in my own plans, but in His.  That is so hard to do.  Even now I'm thinking of all the fundraising stuff we need to do in the coming weeks, and I have to remind myself that He is still with us in every single mundane step.

Psalm 46:10

Be still and know that I am God. 

Now there's two commands that are near impossible for me.  Be still.  Know I'm God.  He is teaching me through all this that He is God, and He will do what He says.  Now, that may not look like what I want, but He will come through.

I'm writing this from the opposite side of the valley.  I'm no longer blinded by the what-ifs and anger that come with infertility.  Being on this side doesn't make the journey easier, it just means God has given me His eyes to see it through.  I hurt for the women who are mommas in their hearts but have no baby to love on.  That's still me.  I hurt for me and Kevin too.  We are in an incredibly joyful time right now as we wait to get our daughter, but adopting brings its own set of challenges and hurt.  Ask anyone adopting and they will confirm that!

I'm not sure what I expect you to take away from this; I just thought it was important for me to purge my thoughts on what it means for me to now be in May 2012 with no immediate hope of seeing my daughter.

I'm still trusting, and God is still faithful to remind me who's boss.  :)

Sending Hugs